Romantic Relationships: Meet, Greet, and What's "Good Enough"?

New York is wonderful. 

This city is populated with talented, energetic, bright and ambitious men and women who strive to feel successful in their work and personal lives.

But, that same pressure for "excellence" can become a barrier to finding satisfaction in romantic relationships.

Now, add into this mix the sheer density of potential mates in a city of 8 million.

Is it any wonder that finding and maintaining a "good enough" relationship is such a challenge in The Big Apple?

The humorist and actor Aziz Ansari has summed up this dilemma in his recent Time Magazine 
essay "Everything You Thought You Knew About Love Is Wrong".

http://time.com/aziz-ansari-modern-romance/?pcd=hp-magmod

Check it out to read a pithy summary of how the combination of unlimited dating choices (Tinder, Match, OKCupid), perfectionism and unrealistic expectations are frustrating the search for
meaningful companionship

Til next  time I hope you have time to slow down and breathe.....summer is here....enjoy.

Mindful Meditation---A Different Way to Put On Your Thinking Cap (Updated)

"Mindfulness", a type of cognitive practice derived from Buddhist meditation, is receiving a lot of press with good reason.

With training, an individual gradually learns to focus attention on one's breath, body and thoughts from a nonjudgmental stance of awareness. If the practice is made daily (for even a few minutes at a time) a new ability emerges to live without the encumbrances of past and future worries.
Research is finding that mindful meditation practice can improve mood, reduce inattention problems in adults and teens (e.g. ADHD), lessen anxiety, decrease chronic pain and even improve relationships!

Mindfulness training is available in many forms and formats--from your local yoga studio to Wikipedia's "How To" section to a free master class with one of the most noted practitioners and teachers, Jon Kabat-Zinn. (The folks at Google posted his hour-long lecture/demo on You Tube as a public service!)

Mindfulness Apps are available (and many are free) for smartphones of all kinds.
Read the reviews carefully to see what is right for you on
GooglePlay,
Aptoide for Android,
Itunes or
Samsung Galaxy Apps

Additionally, as a service for their student body, UCLA and other universities post useful links for free guided meditations and podcasts that can start you on your way.


I've posted the links below with all the specifics.
Let me know what you think......



Jon Kabat-Zinn's demonstration class on You Tube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nwwKbM_vJc

Wiki's How-To Instruction:
http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Mindfulness-%28Buddhism%29

UCLA Student Health: Free Guided Meditations
http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22

UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center Podcasts:
http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=107

The Free Mindfulness Project
http://www.freemindfulness.org/download


A Sampling of Great Blogs summarizing new Mindfulness scientific research
(some are more technical than others, but all have some less jargony postings)

http://www.scientificmindfulness.com

http://mindblog.dericbownds.net

http://sharpbrains.com/blog/2008/05/22/mindfulness-meditation-for-adults-teens-with-adhd/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rewire-your-brain-love/200911/nine-ways-meditating-brain-creates-better-relationships

Make Your Smart Phone Smarter: Apt Apps for Better Mental Health

Technology-based interventions for better mental health are literally "at hand".

The past few years have seen a huge increase in the number and availability of mobile phone applications for tracking, measuring, and understanding our emotions and behaviors.

These apps include:
--self-assessment tests
--mood tracking charts
--relaxation exercises
--sleep programs
--educational tools to help explain the causes of  emotional/behavioral conditions
--motivational tools to guide behaviors that can reduce symptoms
--recommendations for finding evidence-based treatments


University-based or professional association-based websites may offer a more "expert" opinion
on this wide array of mobile assistance.
(A random sampling is listed below)
It can also help to read the individual reviews listed for each app on Google Play, ITunes or Amazon's Appstore


Of course, an app---just like any self-help manual--will never be a substitute for assessment and treatment by licensed mental health professional.

But, one could be a fine companion for your work with a trained clinician


https://www.headstrong.ie/jigsaw/mental-health-issues/general-mental-health/tools-resources/

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/20/top-10-free-mental-health-apps/

http://www.youngandwellcrc.org.au/dr-michael-carr-greggs-new-top-ten/

http://www.otago.ac.nz/studenthealth/healthtips/otago068697.html

http://www2.humboldt.edu/counseling/Self%20Help%20Apps.html

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/PTSD/public/materials/apps/index.asp

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/03/26/294374936/therapists-apps-aim-to-help-with-mental-health-issues

http://www.stthomas.edu/counseling/selfhelp/

Serendipity, Mindfulness and Fear of Public Speaking

We've all checked our e-mail anticipating that there will be any number of irrelevant notices, advertisements or solicitations. But, sometimes, there is an unexpected pleasure waiting for us. Perhaps it's an letter from a long lost friend or an invitation to a party or a beautifully composed article of interest. . Today, my mailbox "serendipity" comes from Working Mindfully, a e-newsletter published by a management consulting firm that offers mindfulness training for corporations. The e-letter article, reprinted below, has a wonderful explanation of how meditation practices can help in coping with everyday anxieties, such as public speaking. (My thanks to Andy Lee. For the full newsletter (Winter, 2015) go to www.workingmindfully.com) It's a good read. Mindfulness and the Big Presentation Public speaking is one of the most common workplace fears - even the smallest ones can raise the blood pressure a notch or two. And as the presentation bets bigger, so does the anxiety. Of course some level of arousal is beneficial to performance, but for many people presentation anxiety can get in the way of their doing their best But it doesn’t have to be this way. Taking a mindful approach to the big presentation can help you avoid getting overly anxious, and can also help you to deliver your message more effectively and connect with our audience more deeply.  Mind your Ego Generally the more nervous we get, the more self-focused we become. When they sense a threat or a risk, our egos can become very noisy and demanding. The internal dialog can give us all kinds of alerts about what other people are thinking of us, and how disastrous ‘failure’ could be. Needless to say, this type of internal dialog gets in the way of our perceiving the world clearly and acting skillfully. When you sense this ego shift happening, see if you can notice the internal dialog and remember that your ego’s rantings are only thoughts, not imperatives – it’s still up to you how you respond. ow are a few things you can do when you feel presentation anxiety beginning to mount: Burst the ego bubble. Turn the focus of your attention away from yourself for a few minutes. Take a moment to speak to someone else and find out what's going on for them. Or feel a sense of gratitude for all that has happened to give you this speaking opportunity. These simple acts will help to break the trance that your ego can put you in, and reconnect you to the world around you and your purpose in it. Focus on your message. Remember why you are presenting. The purpose of your presentation is actually not to prove once and for all that you’re a smart and worthwhile person. Instead, it is to deliver a particular message to a specific audience. Instead of worrying about how you come across, focus on what you can do to get your message across to this audience, on this occasion. Be of service. The most compelling message will fall flat if your audience senses that your intention is other than to be of service to them. During the presentation, remember to check in with your audience to make sure that they’re following you. Give examples of how your message relates to their situations and priorities. Or simply ask yourself, “How can I be of service to this audience?” and act on what arises. All three of these suggestions have a common thread, which is this: To do your best, you need to get your ego out of your way. By worrying less about how you are judged and more about what you can offer, you free yourself up to be your best. This is good to remember at any time, and especially when the presentation anxiety kicks in.

Strategic Perspectives---How What You See and Feel Is What You Get

Strategic Perspectives is a relatively recent buzz word and concept in business development (www.mckinsey.com)

But Strategic Perspectives have been an important element of psychotherapy since the development of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in the early 1960's

At its heart, CBT (and psychotherapy, in general) involves observing and understanding how one's outlook influences one's actions.

Whether it is individual therapy, couples therapy or family therapy, the process is similar.

1)  We find out what shapes our outlook.
----- Is it the symptoms we are experiencing?
----- Is it the feelings we are having?
----- Is it thoughts we are having?

2)  We look at our history with our families, caregivers, friends, employers
      to see trends.
      Trends can be more than Twitter feeds or social media postings,
      In therapy, trends are the patterns of our relationships.
      These patterns often influence how we interpret and feel about what
      goes on around us and inside of us.

3) We sort out this patterns and see how they impact our actions.
     If they impact us in a positive way, usually we want to repeat them.
     If they impact us in a negative way,usually we want to change them.
   

Here's where Strategic Perspectives comes in.

When we decide to change a pattern, we usually have to change our perspective first.

The perspective we bring to a situation can make us feel more or less empowered for change.

For example, do we see ourselves as a victim of or the creator of the pattern?

To move from a "victim" stance to a "creator" position brings our power for change back to us.

This concept is beautifully expressed in a news article from The New York Times travel column
"On The Road" (June 24, 2014; pg. B6)
Jason Barger, a travel writer, is quoted about handling stressful travel situations,
His advice is useful for all of us:

"'We're running so quickly, so caught up in the moment, in that frustration. 
But we should remember to look instead at where we are going, not just where we are.
I tell a story about a surfing instructor who explains to people surfing for the first time: 
Where you look is where you go. 
If you look down at the wave crashing around you, at your doubts and fears, you are going to go into the water. 
But, if you want to learn to surf, you've got to keep your eye on the shoreline and that's where you'll go.' 
In tough situations, he said, 'even if I'm frustrated and absolutely annoyed, even if this is unfair and shouldn't be happening to me, I still have a choice: 
Where I look is where I go. 
The trick is to step back and remember, hey I can't control everything, but I can control what I ought to be contributing right now to this environment.""

So here it is, in a nutshell.
As adults, we can't control anything but ourselves.
And when we do, it is the one strategic perspective that lets us change our negative patterns.

On another note, as the year ends, I wish all the best to my visitors and all those for whom you care.
Let's talk in 2015!

"Well" Connected--The Costs and Benefits of Facebook, Twitter, Apps and Email

Hi.

You are reading this post and, already, may have spent a minute (or an hour) looking at a screen.

Many of us love being well-connected to our friends and loved ones, as well as people we hardly know via the Internet. Our computers and mobile devices allow us to stay in touch, stay amused, and stay informed through Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, text or email.

Our problem is that we may be getting addicted to those pings, buzzes and ringtones without even knowing it.

One U.S. survey estimates that, as a nation, we spend about 121 billion minutes on social media every  month. (Nielsen, "The state of media: social media report 2012)

Other research cites that  Americans (ages 18 to 64) self-report spending  an average of more than 3 hours a day on social media sites. (Ipsos Open Thinking Exchange, https://www.ipsos-na.com/news-polls/pressrelease.aspx?id=5954)

Here's a lovely short summary of some of the pros and cons of social media as it impacts our mental health.
 
 http://www.ivillage.ca/health/womens-health/10-good-and-bad-ways-social-media-affects-your-mental-health 

After you read it, why not shut down your computer, phone or tablet for a half hour and relax with a walk outside, a quiet meditation or an in-person chat.

You can think of it as a mini-vacation for your eyes and fingers.

Best wishes for the year to come. Please take very good care.
 

"Finding Emo"--Part Two: Am I Moody?

We all have our ups and downs.

However, for some people mood swings can be a routinely troublesome occurrence.

A person can start the morning as calm as can be only to drop into a very low mood by the end of the day.
Alternately, one could be quite bogged down and sad upon awakening only to find by day's end that one's energy has been turbo-charged!

Anyone with questions about moodiness will find that a competent mental health clinician (psychologist, psychiatrist or social worker) can help clarify your situation.

The clinician should ask you about your emotions, moods and worries in a very detailed way.
An assessment should include
--your medical and "emotional" history as a child, teen and grownup
--your family's medical and "emotional" history
--a review of the ways you handle your moods
--a discussion of your goals and desired outcomes

It is extremely helpful to have a day-by-day diary of your moods and worries for at least two weeks time (while a month-long record is even better!).
Getting information about your moods that is collected in real time (rather than distantly remembered) can show you and your therapist your ups and down in a more accurate way.

Mood charts are available for free from a number of sources.
I recommend the ones that can be downloaded and printed from a PDF form rather than via a mobile phone "app".  Unfortunately, most of the smartphone apps for mood tracking require that you register your personal information such as name and email address. For better or worse, smartphones are hackable and can get lost. Having your mood data away from prying eyes on the Internet is a safer step.

My favorite mood chart comes from Dr. Gary Sachs at Massachusetts General Hospital.
(http://psychres.washington.edu/clinicaltools/moodchart_inst.pdf)
He created this chart for his own research and has generously made it available to the public.
Be sure to read the directions as it allows you to create a very detailed daily picture of your ups and downs, anxiety, and irritability as well as daily events, medication, therapy and usage of drugs and alcohol that may impact your emotions.

Additional mood tracking PDFs are noted below to help you capture the truest pattern of your moods and worries. 

http://www.dbsalliance.org/pdfs/calendaranxforweb.pdf
http://echopen.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/daily-mood-chart-for-mood-tracking_pdf.pdf
http://echopen.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/mood-disorder-managent-chart-jpg.jpg
http://www.cqaimh.org/pdf/tool_edu_moodchart.pdf

Remember--while these charts are available for anyone's use, it is highly advised that these charts be used while seeking professional counseling. 

Getting guidance from an experienced mental health clinician is the surest way to get off an emotional "seesaw"and back on steady ground.